just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize