Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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