I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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