I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
