One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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