Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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