I murdered the dance floor call the cops
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
