Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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