I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
