i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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