True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
