I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
