just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just threw up on my dentist
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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