We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
