it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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