somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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