Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
