The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
