Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
