Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
