Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
