Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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