oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
