cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
