My balls are so social today.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize