I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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