grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
