i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Randomize