Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
