I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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