you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
