My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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