guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
