he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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