What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
