I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
