i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
