I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
They are going to name an STD after you.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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