I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Randomize
