do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
