I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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