Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
