Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
