I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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