Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
