I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
