I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
