mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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