Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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