i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
