Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I can't turn off my feet"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
