My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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