My hair reeks of homosexuality.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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