So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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