Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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