when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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