battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I am one with the molecules
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
