If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
