so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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