GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
