dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
